ENG: A month ago I ended an era and started a new one. After a decade of dealing with and fighting panic disorder, depression and anxiety I finally had gotten to the stage where I could say I’m mentally healthy and ready to let go of the past. It had all started just with my idea of a workshop on the topic, but the closer the day had gotten, the more I realized it is now in fact my closure.
Together with my dear friend, Rita, we held an evening talk in front of more than 50 people – much more than expected, we could barely fit in the cafe we were at. It was emotional, enlightening and overwhelming. Not the being on stage part, it wasn’t about shining bright, it was about empowering others through our stories and giving perhaps hope for a better future.
We talked about our experiences – as not being doctors or other professional experts in the field, we could “only” offer our taste of the agony and our ways of healing. Therapy, medication, CBT, coaching, lifestyles and supplements were all part of the talk – sometimes accompanied by tears and a trembling voice.
Recovery is a very relative notion when dealing with mental health issues. No one has ever healed overnight or only from medication. It is much complex than that and we all have different attributes, needs and a journey to take. It takes strength, courage, patience and love. Lots of it, all of it.
The day after the talk I let go of my past completely – said farewell to every remaining bit of it. Holding myself together for the event was a must, but the following morning found me bursting into heavy tears. 10 years of moments, misery and desperation flashed in front of my eyes like a movie. Even though I could feel the pain again, it was different. It was happy and filled with gratitude, acceptance and humility. Respecting and welcoming all it had taught me, the wonderful people it had brought into my life.
I am who I am today because of my past, but I am NOT my past.
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HU: Egy honappal ezelott lezartam egy korszakot es elkezdtem egy ujat. Egy evtizednyi csatazas, gyogyulas utan a panikbetegsegbol, depressziobol es szorongasbol eljott az ido, amikor azt mondtam, hogy egesz vagyok es keszen allok elengedni a multat. Az egesz egy beszelgeto est kosza otletevel kezdodott, de ahogy kozeledett a kituzott nap, egyre inkabb ereztem, hogy ez ennel tobb. Ez most valaminek a vege es egy boldogabb eletnek a kezdete.
Draga baratnommel, Ritaval egyutt tartottunk egy panikrol es mentalis egeszsegrol szolo estet, ahol tobb mint otven ember gyult ossze – sokkal tobb, mint amire szamitottunk, alig fertunk be a dunaszerdahelyi Budapest kavezoba. Az egesz tele volt erzelmekkel, felismeresekkel es remennyel. Nem a szinpad resze volt a fontos, nem a szereples hajtott, hanem, hogy talan mas is magara ismer bennunk es erot merit belolunk egy egeszebb, kiegyensulyozottabb en fele.
Sajat tapasztalatainkrol meseltunk – egyikunk sem szakember, igy “csak” a sajat utunk peldajat tudtuk felajanlani az arra igenyt tartoknak. Volt szo terapiarol, gyogyszerrol, csaladallitasrol, kognitiv viselkedes terapiarol, coachingrol, eletmodrol es etrend kiegeszitokrol – neha konnyezve, olykor remego hanggal.
A gyogyulas egy relativ fogalom a mentalis betegsegeket illetoen. Senki sem epult meg fel egy nap alatt vagy csupan gyogyszertol. Ez ennel sokkal osszetettebb, mindenki mas uton jar, masok az igenyeink es aktualis tenyezoink. Amire viszont mindenkinek kivetel nelkul szuksege van az a belso ero, a batorsag, a turelem es a szeretet. Egytol egyig, mindegyik.
Az est utani nap elengedtem a multat – nagy reszben mar megtettem, de most az utolso belemcsimpaszkodo reszeitol is elkoszontem. Az esemenyre keszulve felutotte mar a fejet a nosztalgia, erzelmesseg, de akkor meg nem hagytam ezt felulkerekedni. Masnap reggel viszont hompolygo zokogasban tort ki belolem es filmkent jatszodott le elottem az elmult 10 ev fajdalma es ketsegbeesese. Megis valahogy mas volt az erzes, ez egy boldog fajdalom volt halaval, elfogadassal es alazattal telitve. Megkoszontem minden tanitasat es ajandekat, majd elengedtem.
Aki most vagyok, azt a multamnak koszonhetem, de NEM vagyok a multam.
Koszonom, hogy olvasod az irasaimat, tovabbi inspiracioert kovesd egyeb profiljaimat is, illetve hasznald a #FABWMN teget!
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ANAMI BLOG 
Good for you!
Thank you 🙂
Of course!
Being surrounded by others going through the same thing or something similar makes it so much easier. I feel so safe when I’m surrounded or talking to my friends from treatment. You just get a comfort knowing someone else understands.
I agree, Chelsea, it gives comfort and a kind of safety, that I am not alone. Thank you for your comment.
How did you organize the workshop? I’m considering getting into public speaking about mental health
Well, the subject was given, I just needed to break it down and create a story for it, so that people can engage and relate in a more “consumer” friendly way. I chose the venue, I created a brochure, did a FB event where I invited people and took care of other hidden organizational issues – such as logistics, sound, audio, printing, etc.
Where are you based? You said you are considering – what holds you back?
I’m from BC, and I think what makes me hesitate is how much work it is to get yourself out there. My idea would be to speak in high schools and tell my story of depression to kids who may be experiencing what I did, and don’t know who to tell or how to deal with the situation.